I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
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