Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
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