I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
