By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
His hands were made for my vagina.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
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