Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
