you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Randomize
