I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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