i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I want a musical about memes.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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