I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I had to cum in my sink.
Randomize
