You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
i've created a new STD.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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