I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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