I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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