You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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