...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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