I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
