In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
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