I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
being pregnant is like rehab
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
