i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
