did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Randomize
