I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
