Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
