dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
