Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
She even gives head with a lisp.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize