Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Randomize
