these pics are all outta focus - was this what the camera saw? or what your eyes saw?
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Randomize
