I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
