I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize