Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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