Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.
details please.
they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
