There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
