alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
