Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Randomize
