I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Drake has all the answers
Enjoy the penises
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
