i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Randomize
