I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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