come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
