I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Randomize
