Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize
