he told me I talked like a deaf person
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
