i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
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