He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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