True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
