I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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