I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Randomize