why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Well I just put wine in my tea
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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