by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
