Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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