another moral hangover. fuck.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
