im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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