capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Randomize
