i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
