Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
