It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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