R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
