do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
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