btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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