My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
God, you're like boner-b-gone
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
