Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
