Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Randomize
