Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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