my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Randomize
