I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize