Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Randomize
