Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Randomize
