I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
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