Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
