It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
