A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
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