just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
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