New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
